Today is the Eighth of May, 2010.

It is a Saturday.

It is cold and windy today.

Long time since an update, huh? I've had a lot on my mind. Basic functions, waking, nourishment, employment, and cleaning the catbox are about all I have been able to manage most days. The stress is getting to me, as the witching hour is soon upon us. Theoretically, and I haven't heard anything different, my job, which I love very much, is to end June 30. That's less than two months away. There's just enough hope that I haven't lost hope, but not enough of anything else to know anything for sure. I haven't been eating well, as it's hard to keep food down. Sleep, forget it. I'm up nearly every hour on the hour tossing and turning, you could set your watch by my somnolent distress. (Nice use of the world 'somnolent', Sean! Thanks!)

Here are the mitigating factors. Besides the not knowing, besides all that, just my day-to-day. I've co-workers who are mortally convinced that "they've got money, they're not gonna lay anybody off"... It's very easy to spout off like that when you're not the one for the chop. I've also got those who mock, to be fair, as they always have, for working hard, and caring about my job. This amuses me because, by all rights, I should be the one in their shoes. I've every right to be bitter and angry, to shut down, to do the bare minimum... But that's not the case. It's about looking in the mirror, and being content with what you see. It's about what helps you sleep, or in my case, toss and turn at night.

I work for the Department of Public Services. I work there to serve the public. As hackneyed as that might sound, bear with me here. Because it's what I truly believe. I work to serve the residents, and to better the very same city I have lived in very nearly all my life. The paycheck makes it sustainable, what makes it worthwhile is in here *points to chest*. Spending the day getting your feet soaked, getting covered head to toe in wet grass, getting sticks, rocks, and glass thrown at you by a weedwhip, cleaning up other people's filth and garbage, in every sense of the word... Uprighting the knocked down, rebuilding the destroyed, restoring the vandalized, in the hot, or the cold, or the sun, or the rain, it's a hard ass job, and believe me when I say that you come home exhausted every day. But it's all worth it for what you see when you're done. Your city park, the trees in bloom, the grass manicured, not a bit of litter to be seen. Fresh paint, serviced ballfields, a soccer field so brightly striped you could see it from space. Families walking their dogs, children on training wheels, parents pushing kids on swings, throwing balls, riding bikes... The quintessential American family, off work and out of school, spending quality time with each other. Quality time that I facilitated, by providing a quality place. That is the reward of my job. Nobody thinks about who makes it happen, nobody thanks the grass-cutter, but they surely appreciate when it's done. If you're looking for other people to thank you, public service is not the job for you. But if you can thank yourself for making the world a better place, then the sky is the limit.

That's what I like about the job. That's why I work there. And that's why I so desperately do not want to be laid off. It's not just about the money (although there is a LOT riding on that)... It's about doing what you love, and having that violently ripped from you. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.